Up & Down & back again…

by de



You hold so tight until your knuckles show
As far away as you could ever know
You sink them all down
And watch them float up
Until the wheel has spun around
You will be bound by what you are

So, Who am I?

I am De.


I am a Marathon runner.(does that define me? Fuck yes, yes it does… Not many people can say that, I am amazingly proud to be a part of the 1% of society that does)  I am a mother. I am a good friend and I would like to think that I inspire others and the fact is that I have a certificate to say that I do. I also have a pretty amazing film clip…

Am I a passenger?

From the very first time that  I listened to these lyrics, I didn’t want to be a passenger… I was literally a passenger in my little brothers souped up Commodore, we were driving through the tiny village of Clunes in Northern NSW.. when the bit about the picket fence and salary kicked in..Isn’t it funny how a moment in your life can define you? It was strange for me to be traveling without my daughter (she was with my mum and dad in the vechile behind) and I felt free.. I felt like my own person, no overbearing partner, no child that dictates how I feel or what I should be doing. I was strangely disconnected from my ‘real life’. Hanging out in a crazy V8 commodore listening to Powderfinger.. It doesn’t really get much better than that!

So many places you’d prefer to be 
Then framed 
By a picket fence and salary 

How many of us just want a Picket fence and salary? I worked my heart out in my current job for over 12 months just to to know that I had that ‘salary’. My job is hard and it’s scary and it’s really no place for a woman. It plays havoc with your hands and your face and your ability to be a girl at all. Does it define me? It is part of the person that I am, it is certinally part of my awesome life, but no matter how scary or not-girl-like it is, my job does not define me. In fact I take imense pride in the reality that I don’t really have to think about work when I am not there (except when I am on call… but anyways) I walk out the gates and I am a free woman.. It is not my lifes work, and I am really good with that. It’s a job. It is traditionally a mans job and I have worked my friggen arse off to be competant in it. I am extremely proud that there is not one thing in that job that I cannot do..

In all the hidden pleasures you find
In what you’re looking for
I hope that you remember that pride
Comes before a fall

So, what about the rest of me? On the surface, I look great! Big-Mean-Scary job, I run marathons in my spare time.. I’m raising an awesome daughter that speaks her mind and is not defined by the ‘norms’ of society. I have a great dog and an awesome car.. (Kevin, the cars name is Kevin).. What of it?

It is the little things. The details… In my previous life I was a wedding photographer, taking photos of people’s big day. I found that it was the details that defined the day, I was always lost in weddings that didn’t have ‘details’… It was the pretty little touches that made up the day, personalised little things.. Details, details, details… god is in the details..

For the last 12 months I have defined myself… With my mindset, with my weightloss, with my running goals…. I have aligned myself with a program and I have had a bloody good time… I have broken free from my ‘former definitions’. The old ‘de’ was defined by her past, a past that needed to be carried around like a hulking great backpack, seen worn by european travellers at Roma St station at any moment of any day. Not this De… no baggage.. not everything has been dealt with and not everything NEEDS to be dealt with. Some things just need to be left behind, not held onto for further degustaion…

The time has come to just stand up.. roll with the punches, accept that what I cannot change and move and shake with the things that can..

We are 3 days away from the 12wbt BRISBANE FINALE and I am more than a little excited! All my best girls are converging on my beautiful city to PAR-tee the weekend away and I can’t friggen wait to let it unfold! It is going to be grand on the grandest scale.

And, about that film-clip

I have met some of the most amazing and inspiring women on this crazy trip (eugh, I am not going to say ‘journey’, frig I hate that word)

Yea, ok, this is *that* philosiphical post that I just *had* to have. We will resume to normal programming after the weekend… Thanks to everyone that is still listening to me drivel on. I really, really appreciate it!!